One Year Ago: Remembering How Far We've Come

One year ago today.  We had been waiting weeks for this appointment. We had begun to realize that something wasn’t right with Jude. He was losing language skills quickly. He was withdrawing socially. He didn’t want to play with us. He didn’t want to dance. He avoided eye contact. He sat and stared for long periods of time. His expression was glassy and glazed. He was slowly disappearing right before our eyes.

Jude - Christmas 2011

January 2012

One year ago today. We were worried. We were afraid. It was a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking kind of fear, the kind of fear that makes it hard to breathe. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t eating well. I cried multiple times a day. And I was 5 months pregnant.

***February and March, 2012. He was such a sweet boy, but as I look back now I realize that he was just overwhelmed with life. Too much sensory input for his little brain to process.


One year ago today. We had talked to our pediatrician, and she shared our concerns. So we made the appointment. And then we waited. We researched everything we could, trying to find another explanation than the one we feared was true. With every breath, I prayed. I begged God to let the doctors tell me that our Judle Bug was okay.

One year ago today. The day of the appointment finally came. We drove to the medical center. My hands were shaking as I filled out pages and pages of questionnaires. I fought back tears as we explained our concerns to the doctor. We spent 4 agonizing hours having our little boy evaluated by some of the best developmental psychologists in the country. And again I begged God not to let me lose my baby boy to the disorder that I feared was taking control of him.

One year ago today. Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Hope. Dread. These were a few of the things we were feeling as we trudged through that day. My stomach was in knots as we waited for the doctors to add up Jude’s scores. 

I’ll never forget the doctor’s words as he sat down with us at the end of the evaluation. “Jude’s profile is very complex,” he said. “He has a lot of strengths, but I also see some areas of vulnerability….At the end of the day, I’m very concerned about the possibility of an Autism Spectrum Disorder.” 

And there they were. The words that changed our lives…one year ago today.

**Another day I will never forget: April 4, 2012 - Jude's first day at his new school. We will forever be grateful for the therapists and staff who work at this treatment center. We owe them our son's life.

***Learning to explore the world around him...playing in sand, reading books...so many new things to learn! And as he explored and learned, he gained confidence. Little by little, he became less overwhelmed and more able to interact with the world and the people in it.

It hasn’t been an easy year, but it’s been an amazing year. When you look at the progression of these pictures, do you see what I see in his face? Do you see his confidence grow a little more each month? Do you notice that he's less overwhelmed, less afraid, more engaged? Do you see the glazed expression disappear from his eyes? Do you see him blossoming? Do you see him thriving? Do you feel the same joy that I feel when you realize that instead of shutting down and checking out, he is LIVING and ENJOYING LIFE?

Jude is not the same child who walked in to that evaluation one year ago. He speaks in complete sentences. He laughs. He dances. He makes jokes, and he loves to be silly. He plays appropriately with toys. He greets his friends and looks them in the eye. He memorizes and comprehends unbelievable amounts of information. He soaks in every detail of the world around him. He expresses his emotions by telling me when he feels sad or angry or frustrated. He throws typical temper tantrums. He is learning to adapt to changes in his routine. He is amazing in so many ways.

***The change in him is amazing. With each month that passes, he gains more skills and better coping strategies. We have loved watching his fun little personality bloom before our eyes.

But it hasn’t been an easy road to get here. There have been many sacrifices made along the way. We’ve spent much of our savings on Jude’s therapy. We have given up all of our free time and the majority of our hobbies. I have neglected most of my friendships, and as a result I’ve entirely forfeited my social life, and pretty much my sanity along with it. I’ve been battling depression, anxiety, and loneliness for months. My prayer life is weak. My relationship with God is shaky. I’m several months overdue to see the dentist, the eye doctor, and the nephrologist, and now my kidney stones are flaring up again. Chris and I haven’t had a date night in longer than I can remember. It’s been a hard year, and there are still more challenges ahead. Over the past few weeks I have once again begun to feel overwhelmed and anxious about the decisions we are facing in the near future. Once again, I’m finding it hard to breathe, hard to sleep, hard to eat.

At the moment, though, none of that matters. For this moment, I just want to look back and remember where we were one year ago today. Because sometimes it helps to look back and remember how far you’ve come.  When the road ahead seems too overwhelming and the challenges seem too big to face, it helps to remember that you’ve felt that way before. One year ago today I didn’t think I could continue putting one foot in front of the other. I wasn’t sure I would be able to walk the path God had chosen for me. But somehow, miraculously, God provided just enough grace for each day. Grace for the moment.  I did continue putting one foot in front of the other, even when I didn’t think I could. And that leads me to believe that there will continue to be enough grace for each day ahead. Enough grace for each moment, even when the moments are hard. One tiny step at a time.

***We can't imagine what our family would be like without his sweet, bubbly, silly, fun, affectionate, sensitive, lovable personality!

***Learning to play...and having fun in the process!

It’s amazing what a difference one year can make. And sometimes you need to look back and remember the fear, remember the sadness, remember the worry, remember the pain. Sometimes looking back to remember how far you've come is the only way to find the courage to face what’s ahead. 

Sometimes it's good to look back and remember.