My 15 Minutes...

"We are often afraid, in the church, to tell people that our rope has broken lest they think that we aren't spiritual. We don't want people to know we're hurting because we fear that they'll think less of us. We remain silent when we are falling apart because we honestly believe that Christians shouldn't fall apart." 
 --- Steve Brown, "When Your Rope Breaks"

I am not doing so well. There. I said it. Somehow that's a hard thing to admit. There is nothing specific that has happened recently that has made life more difficult. We are not dealing with any terrible hardship or suffering through some horrible trial. Really, when I try to explain to people why I'm not doing well, it all sounds kind of silly. Overall, things are going smoothly and our life is pretty good. But still, I am not doing so well. I feel sad, tired, lonely, weary, frustrated, anxious, and I get angry easily.  I've been wondering if perhaps this is depression I'm dealing with. I've never had depression before, so I don't know for sure if this is what it feels like. I don't know if it's postpartum depression - caused by hormonal changes - or if it's just a result of isolating and difficult circumstances. But no matter what you label it, it's there and it's overwhelming. And it's time to confront it, with the hopes of eventually conquering it.

I realize that a major contributing factor to my current emotional state is probably our schedule. We are so busy these days. When Jude was diagnosed with autism earlier this year, I knew our lives were about to change, probably forever. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't anticipate how much sacrifice would be required of me personally. I don't begrudge that sacrifice even a little bit, but it has been hard. I had to immediately drop out of my women's Bible study (which was my 2 hours of sanity each week) because it conflicted with Jude's therapy. Play dates are difficult because he's in school 4 mornings a week for 3 hours. It's a 20 minute drive each way to his school, then we rush home for Micah's morning nap, head back late morning to pick up Jude, rush back home for lunch and afternoon naps, then Clara comes home from school and it's time for homework, baths, dinner, and bed time - unless she has soccer practice or Awana, which requires loading up all the kids again for more shuttling. It means lots of time in the car every day and very little social time for me. Add in a baby who doesn't consistently sleep well, and now even an evening out with friends is difficult because I'm just too tired by the end of the day. If it weren't for text messaging and Facebook, I could easily go days without speaking to an adult other than Chris or the therapists at Jude's school.  And in addition to our busy schedule, I've spent every free minute this fall editing client photos. I enjoy photography, and it's supposed to be an outlet for me - something fun. But I underestimated how demanding it would be to care for 3 small children, including an infant, a child with special needs (although really, don't they all have "special needs?") and the busy schedule that involves, so I took on more photography sessions than I could handle. It meant that every time the babies were asleep, I edited pictures. The laundry piled up, grocery shopping didn't get done, the house was in chaos, I had no time to read books or call a friend or even sit and breathe for a minute....I just edited pictures. Ten solid months of social isolation is bound to make just about any extrovert feel drained, and three solid months of a house in chaos and no free time at all is bound to make any control-freak feel depressed.

My very good friend, who also happens to be a counselor, recently challenged me to spend 15 minutes each day doing something I enjoy. She reminded me that God created ME with special gifts and interests, and to lose sight of myself in the busyness of caring for my family and running a small business is essentially to tell God that this special part of His creation is not important. I had to admit that at this point it's difficult for me to even think of things that I enjoy. It's been so long since I've done anything just for myself that I can't even remember the things I used to enjoy. So I started to make a list. It hasn't been easy, and I'm still working on coming up with ideas. So far I haven't done a consistently great job of making time for those 15 minutes every day, but even the process of making the list has been healing. It's good to remember that there ARE things about life that I enjoy, and it's also good to remind myself that some day I will have time to do these things again. I'm editing my last fall photo session this week, Micah will not always need 2 naps a day, and some day all 3 of my children will be in school. It may be a while, but the idea that "some day" is out there makes me feel hopeful and encouraged. I may not have time to go for a 5-mile run today or read a book just for pleasure, but I CAN make time to paint my toenails or go through a drive-through and order cheddar poppers for myself or work on one page in our family photo album. It's not much, but it's a start. And as I've begun to realize, taking care of myself is not being selfish. I am much better at loving my husband and my children when I'm not collapsed in a sobbing heap on the bathroom floor every night. I'm not doing these 15 minutes just for me...I'm doing them for the sake of my whole family.

When I started making my list, one of the first things I thought of was that I would like to spend some time writing.  I've had so many thoughts, anxieties, fears, and emotions floating through my head lately, but I've had precious little time to process them. Writing helps me process. The problem is that 15 minutes each day doesn't even give me enough time to organize my thoughts, let alone write them in coherent sentences. So I've been putting off writing anything on this blog for months, because there just isn't enough time to do it all. I decided today, though that sitting to process for just a few minutes at a time is better than not processing at all. My brain feels disoriented, chaotic, and heavy. I might not be able to wade through it all today, but I'm going to start - a little at a time. It doesn't matter if nobody reads it (although, being the extrovert that I am, I do like it when people read it!), and I know most people would rather just see pictures of the kids dressed up for Halloween (which I STILL haven't posted - no time!!) or hear about our Thanksgiving. But really, I can't move on to the happy moments until I've worked through the yuck in my brain first. After I finish up my last fall photo session this week, I'll make the time to post some happy pictures and adventures on this blog, if for no other reason than to remind myself of all the beautiful moments we experience each day. But I'm also going to slowly wade through some of the chaos in my mind - writing maybe only a few disjointed minutes at a time - until I can see more clearly again.

My 15 minutes are way over for today, but here's a quote from the Steve Brown book "When Your Rope Breaks" that I'm slowly working my way through while I nurse the baby. It describes my spiritual state so well right now. Seriously, I think Steve Brown and I have the same brain, except that his is much smarter than mine:

"Someone has said 'Never doubt in the dark what God has taught you in the light.' That's good advice. Some of my friends find great comfort in prayer and studying the Scriptures when they are going through a difficult time, but that isn't the way it works for me. When my rope breaks, the Scriptures seem as dry as dust and my prayers never seem to get any further than my front teeth. I study the Scriptures and pray when things are going reasonably well. Then, when the darkness comes, I remember the truth I discovered in the light, and I hang on to that with everything I've got."

Here is what I know is true, what has been proven to me in happier times, even though I don't feel it right now:  I am loved. I am not alone. That's about as far as I can get at the moment, but it's enough for today, and I'm hanging on to it with everything I've got.